The Department for Dating. What should have been in this week’s budget.
From April 2027, every single adult in Britain will receive a £252 dating allowance, paid monthly into a government app. The policy follows concern that married couples can save up to £252 a year through Marriage Allowance, while the rest of us fund our romantic failures. There is one condition: the money must be spent on other single people. A first date is subsidised. A second unlocks a bonus, provided both parties confirm attendance and submit a rating within 48 hours. Dinner parties qualify as “community connection events”. Singles holidays receive extra funding if 60% of the group are eligible claimants. Drinks with the same person for three weeks may trigger an HMRC review. By 2029, the Department for Dating has its own minister and national performance indicators: first dates attended, second dates secured, marriages registered, and time to commitment. The government insists these metrics aren’t designed to pressure anyone. They simply “improve romantic outcomes”. The app recommends dates based on the likelihood of progressing towards marriage. Compatibility matters, but conversion rates matter more. People too happy being single are flagged for a wellbeing check. Those who repeatedly cancel dates must complete an online course called Re-engaging with Connection. Some delay marriage to keep their allowance. Others marry to escape the admin. A black market develops for unused dating credits, until the app introduces facial recognition and requires both parties to confirm the date was “romantic in nature”. The policy is officially a success. Loneliness is down 4%. Dates are up. Nobody asks whether people are happier. Perhaps the dystopian part isn’t that the government funds our love lives. It’s that we already measure everything, optimise everything, and outsource romantic decisions to algorithms. The only new step is giving the state a dashboard. At £21 a month, it may be the cheapest relationship any of us ever has.
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